For Ladida

Oh I wish 
It could be easier than this…
How did it happen this way?
It’s hard to say,
I feel meaningless and trite
Maybe I’ve got me too tied
Up in this garbage that I don’t even like.
But I remember how you sighed..
==
Death is not the worst
Thing, or the farthest.
The first
Time is always hardest.

So try not to be
Afraid. 
It’s a gift we
Have made.

I wish for sweeter things
To give you,
But nothing’s
Bitter without purpose too.

String you words along
And see who will swallow
A great song

Is for who will follow.

==

Please, come on
Say something on topic
You’re taking too long
And it’s making me sick.

Ah, For Ladida

Lay your head in my arm
And sleep. Dream of me
And keep me warm.
I promise I’ll be
Here to hear each of your sighs
And here when you open your eyes.

Don’t remember, please
There are such nicer things we’ve
Done and said 
To be remembered.

Please, please, please
Every one of my dreams…
What do I want? For you to be
Pleased with me…

I love you, I love you
It means something, do
You feel it yet?
Sunset.

I’ve never slept so well
I’m not even sure when I fell
Asleep. Just the look in your eyes…
Sunrise.

Softest lips…
What a life I have lived
This year. 
I’m still here.

I don’t mean to shiver
Like this.. I’ve never
Been loved this way
Before. 

Pure and clean, sincere -
The finest man I know.

Darling, I’m here,

I’m with you wherever you go.

Not my God, but my
Most cherished gift from Him. Why-
I’ll never understand. 
I quiver to hope… My husband?

How Much Blood Can There Be in Me?

“How much blood can there be in me?”
She asked her mirror 
The mirror offered nothing, or
She couldn’t hear. 
[Deafness is a problem, dear]

“How many bones have been sown
Into my frame?”
Just the same. 
No answers, of course.
[It’s the muteness of the source.]

O For Ladida!

"I love you," whispers in the sun
Create the perfect rest - 
And make me soft and my reason
Weak enough to accept forgiveness.

So sweet - 
Dipping in and out of sleep, whole
With you. Hot breath and feet.
I am a body and a soul.

What more is there to know?
My beloved loves me back.
More than I'd thought to hope for, oh,
My precious thing leaves me nothing to lack.

More than I'd thought to hope for, oh,
My precious thing leaves me nothing to lack.
What more is there to know?
My beloved loves me back.
===
"Please" he softly bids
Against the murmurs and hums. 
Flutter of eyelids.
But if that moment never comes… 

All lips and dripping skin
Warmth and breath.
Where else have I ever been?
Here is safest.

These fingers are the sun
Willing that I should be the only one
That tastes the shine
The light is mine.

 Stars in my mouth, fall
Into me. I choke. I am all
A mess of pleasure. 
Stars are my treasure.

Stars on my neck, explode on my breast
Perfect rest.
Ancient ice in my lung
But we are the only one.

For Ladida

Exist - 
The simplest task
Or command. 
But, you've missed
How much that really is to ask.
Please, understand.

Understand- 
I wish it was not
Such a need 
In me. Sand
Doesn't rot
And doesn’t bleed.

For Ladida

I can't write your poem, love,
Though I've tried and tried,
I can only string un-pretty things,
Because that's all I've got inside.
===
I'm too tired 
To right now,
Please,
I know how
I told you I
Like it when
I can't think
But, then,
It's my soul
This time
It's my soul that's tired
Of being fucked. I'm
Assuming you know
This is fucking,
It's all twisting a movement,
Pulling and bucking.
You must notice
My spirit is missing.
It's okay
You didn't hurt it,
I sent it away.
===
If you won't feed me 
Your grief, 
Well, I still need to be
Fed.
I'll cry for relief
So you'll feed me and put me to bed.
===
Let's go to bed - 
What was heard
And what was said
Was the same word.
The misunderstanding 
Is almost funny,
What your demanding
Is me.
A high price
For a night's rest
But your nice
If not best.
===
Like little kids
Marveling at nothing more
Than the difference between bodies.
Please-
He softly bids
[Whore]
===
I love the sound
Of skin slipping over sheets
And I can make it alone,
But it sounds so sweet
Along with the pound
Of your heart through my bones.
===
Irresistible - 
If you can't recognize it 
When you see it, you're
Obviously too stable

I'm a Darling Liar

I'm a darling liar, funny
And cute. They don't know me,
But that does not inhibit
My purpose. I'm a creator
I make fun, or
A fine counterfeit. 

Since they feed on fun,
They'll stay near me till they're done
Feeding, since I've done my part
They will feed me.
I live on misery -
I love to lick the sadness off your heart.

So why am I with you?
Diversion makes you sick, too
So I've nothing to give.
And I know you're full of what I feed
On, but you won't bleed
For me. This is no way to live…

We're starving together, at least
And there's no feast
For the unstable
Like suffering with someone you - 
Love? Is that true?
Are we really able….? 

This is Not a Poem!

This is not a poem!
There are no feelings,
I feel nothing in tandem
With dealings
With you.
So what do I do?
There's a growth inside of me
A pustule, a cancer.
Wanting to be
Outside. A blur
Of pain.
I'm going insane.
I need to get it out of me.
I'll cut it out.
But there's nothing to see
Under my skin about
The thing. 
Keep cutting.
Nothing but red,
But enough shades to keep it interesting. 
I'm not dead,
But digressing. 
Back on topic
I feel sick
Is it in my belly?
Down my throat,
Up comes - nothing to see
Except defeat.
It's still in there.
Where?
It's a doctor that I lack.
If I tell you all my symptoms and sit
Still for an examination,
Can you find it?
I'll tell you anything
And everything.
If I let you put 
Your tongue in me
Will you find it?
Please? Can you see?
Can you make me well?
Not enough to tell.
I'll do anything
And everything.
Do you need to see more
To diagnose?
I've looked on my skin before,
But you're the doctor. No clothes.
Can you see where I've been
Looking? I knew it wasn't on my skin.
It's eating me, now
What will fill me?
I think I know how
To feel less empty. 
I'll be quiet
Please find it.
You're eating me, now,
Nothing fills me.
I don’t know how
I got so empty.
The cum
Didn't show you what I am suffering from.
It's still in there
But that's all.
I am the cancer
Fall.
This is not a poem.
Or a person.

For Ladida

[I wish I hadn't died before I met you.]
But my body loves you so-
And sometimes,
When you're hot enough
And close enough
I feel as if I am warm myself.
You always say my hands
My feet
My nose
Are cold.
This is an old
Problem, and won't get younger
With age. 
I'm feeling a little caged,
Though,
It's just so cold without you.

For Ladida

Ah, it's an aphid empire
And we're ruled by ladybugs 
that like to bite you 
Bite off your head

Do you like it when the lady bites your head?
Yeah? She'll put you to bed all right
But I promise it won't take all night
You are nourishment and are tastiest dead

The only protection that you can have
Is enslavement
And industrial ants would love to eat off you
Did you understand what I meant?
'Work-boy' alludes
Work, boy-
You will make food or you will be food.
-----
Flesh, flash
Who do you work for?
Or don't you work at all?
Lash out, eyelash
Born and bored
Fresh fall.

Flesh, flesh,
Who's are you?
Mine?
So unkind
Untrue
Smashed
===
Everything is ruined forever
I want soft blankets 
For my bed of nails
So touch me softly,
Give me blanket statements
And don't press so hard,
I'm sinking in anyway.

I wish you understood
The way I wanted you to
What if it's not really you?
I could have been wrong
Or I might have been lying.
What is the difference, anyway?

I wish you're love
Felt like longing to learn
And not memorization of phrases.
I know you're a good learner,
And that I'm the bad teacher
But I wish I hadn't changed you.
===
Don't touch me! I'm dirty!
Don't you know where I've been?
Help me
I'm doing it again…
===
I bite 
I'm mean
Much more than curls
Unfit
Unclean
Don't give me your pearls
===
I'm glad you escaped
But could you visit?
It's exhausting, being raped
And I think you'd make it
Stop, if you ever came about.
It's awful, what your body does
To me when you're out.
It's nothing like it was
[Before you learned to escape.]
===
Why can't you hear the lie on my voice?
Or is it a choice
That you're making,
Trusting me?
We'd be
Better off breaking.
===
Dead goldfish.
You're body shimmers like it always did,
But there's something in your eye.
I am sick
I am sorry
Please, please
Anything
How may I help you?

For Ladida

Damn feelings 
I hate to exist
My eyes won't obey me
Whether I tell them to close or explode
So are they really mine?
=
You will never arrive
That's the best lie
Because there's nothing truer than the ever-existent 'I'
And nothing harder to believe
===
Swallow, gulp it down
Just put it in your mouth
Taste is the realest sense
Your tongue can only lie to others
===
Make-up and skirts
[it hurts! it hurts!]
No one asked you anyway
Nothing is less about you
Than your shell
That's why we have to invent tools
Mirrors
To see ourselves,
Our favorite porn-
Our eyes most forbidden fruit,
Our faces.
===
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
You put me in mud up to my neck
And kiss my face
Wipe yourself all over me
You'll fill my mouth with it
But won't just drown me
You'll let me drown
But not asphyxiate 
===
Upup, up down
Up and down the stairs again
[You can't claim de ja vu
If you're somewhere where you've been]
-----

Love?

Love?
Can I eat it?
Will it feed me
Is love a battery?

Will it save me from drowning
Is it warm to the touch
Or sweet to the taste?
Can it hydrate my bones
Or do my homework?
Can I trade it or sell it
For something better?

Can I smoke it or drink it
Or push it down my throat
Will it coat
The roof of my mouth
Can you see it on my lips like kool-aid?
How is it made?
Does it head south
Or face north?
Where is it's source?
Does it empty into the sea
Or feed the trees
Can it catch what runs
Does it taste like cinnamon buns?

Does it freeze?
Does it melt?
Can it walk or be felt?
Does it have colors or elbows 
Or wear socks on it's toes?

Can it be made more or made less?
Does love digress?
Can it oppress or repress or regress
Does it press or play chess


Will it get me where I need to go?
If I water it
Will it grow?
If it grows
What will it provide?
Can it keep me dry?
Does it lead where it goes?
Does it know where it's headed
And if it does
Am I indebted?
Does it walk along side
What feet does it have that it heads anywhere?
Is it stronger than the burdens I bare?
Does it hide?
Can I own it
Is it mine if it's given to me?
Can I sell it for profit,
Would anyone buy it?